Mirage

sorrios

2008-06-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

am going to kick myself in the ass alright...came here got myself an account and now guess what you're right!!! i'm back to writing in it again after say...hmmm 2 freaking months...way to go vicky way to go....
sigh but i'm back and hopefully i treat you with a little more care from now on yup...i havent thought of the title for my sequel of mirage yet...ira met this guy...italian...getting interested thought so... italian yummy and has a great sense of taste when it comes to shoes...if i were her( ira i mean) i would have him down the aisle and slipping a ring(non- diamond) on the second last finger of my left hand before he learnt how to pronounce my name with an indian accent rather than an italian one(pssssst tried it in italian didnt do my name no justice)....
so what interesting so far in my life...wow where do i even start...for once my confidence is back...i walk around everyday with this little made up face...trying to act as if everything is okay loving my life as it is trying to make people think i am at total ease...after all this years that face has shall i say finally become a reality...you know what...i finally am happy with where i am what i am doing and am ready for more...is it the change of the people around me or was it more like i needed to see some more of the world before i realized that what i have is enough....
that left me with the question...
are we really satisfied with what we are...well my economics teacher will have my neck for this...because in economics and in real life people are never satisfied...but i beg to differ on this...coz satisfaction is there... if not for long then for that few seconds after you put spoon of vanilla chocolate chip ice-cream you have been craving the whole week... you put that spoon in your mouth close your eyes to fully engulf yourself in its taste and then your eyes and sigh up tot the heavens with you taste buds humming in delight...that few seconds world is satisfaction at its finest...then u suddenly remembered you forgot to ask for your ice-cream to be placed on a cone rather than the cup you got and pout a bit before moving on and letting your thoughts wonder to the various avenues they usually do...so people...or whoever gets to read this...enjoy those moments cause they are rare and often you dont even realize them...but what i think in you will be happier if you do take note of them...give yourself that little bit more happiness and sense of achievement yup in this world that rarely gets satisfied
cheerios

ohhhhhhh nooooooooooo

2008-04-16T01:13:00.000-07:00

i don't know i'm ready. but i'm going todo it anyway. i don't know if it will all work out. but i'm going to die trying. School starts the next day. i can't believe the long holiday is over, how did it go so fast. now i got school the next day. not any other school mind you, i'm going into a polytechnic. i'm screwed. like oh no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what if i don't fit in. i mean i will make friends. but the thought of making a whole lot of them again is soooo frustrating....welll i have school the next day and so this is about the end to all my long post. so for those who grumbled about them...lucky you
cheerios cya

ok ok i get it

2008-04-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

alright I'll give it to ya all. i was pretty mad when i composed the previous post yesterday. i feel nasty about it. but by no chance am i going to remove any of it off, i dunno i just feel somehow that post has earned its place there as all the other post. you're all free to tag board me and let me know whats running through your head. well i don't know if all that came out of being angry or hurt. well i think it was hurt that i let out through anger. i don't like letting people know that i have been hurt. kind of leaves me vulnerable. especially if the wrong people came to know of it. Paranoia? i don't know. it may just be it. i have been pretty peaceful for the past two years. no problem at all. me, my studies my family, me. that about summed up m entire worries. even when i left school when my parents showed their dislike for my friends i was strong, i fought for them. but now i don't know if what i have been fighting for all this time is so important at all.
maybe i should start putting up a huge barrier in between with friends and family and so- called family but truly traitors. well my so- called family but truly traitors are back. and in full action doing what they do best. being asses. they have returned all pig- brained and are here to stay. i preferred it when they were far away very very far away. you know what i know they would rather be far away too. and i have no idea what they are trying to achieve being a A class ass hole and a snob. okay they have problems and does everyone who walks this Earth. if everyone decided to be childish and self- centered asses like them the world would stink.
god i had no idea i could hate like this. anyways i'm never eating or drinking in that house ever. they have no connection to me whatsoever. their ties with us are far over.
actually i think it's more their loss then mine. with all this going on. i have decided paying too much attention to my friends problems and my problems with them will drive me nuts. so i'm going to concentrate on my studies and making sure the asses who have returned never hurt my family. that's my major priority . God bless us all

i promise

2008-04-09T01:59:00.000-07:00

okay so here's the deal... yesterday we went out for my friends Birthday. we went to Tampines mall nothing big, nothing fancy but on our opinion we thought it would be enough. but Surprise Surprise it wasn't. well supposedly the entire time we were planning to give the guy something to have fun with to forget the past few weeks that have been nasty and everything. it wasn't enough. i somehow have probably come to this conclusion that whatever we do for him won't ever be enough. and maybe it's time i stopped trying. maybe it's time i opened my eyes and see that i'm wasting my time. we all are. he has to lick his own wounds after which if he still remembers us all and thing we are important to him at all then we can move from there. because at the moment he is stagnant and so are all of us or in this case i guess I'm the only one on the loosing end cause everyone else has moved on. well that's coming to an end cause i too have decided to move on. no more late night calls. no more talking to them hourly on the phone. because at the end of the day when i do sit down and see it all, i only find myself on the loosing end. personally I'm very free. i have no problems what so ever. my family is godsend. and i'm grateful for them and they are the ones who matter. while i started spending so much time on all my other friends and their lives i have been neglecting my own. well that's about to change.
yesterday for me to get out of my house for the party was so damned tough on its own. i had to do some major convincing and they were half hearted. i knew that. but i thought of my friend and figured it would mean to him a lot if i was there too and we tried to make him happy it would take his mind of things. in my opinion i figured we all did our part and the outing was a success but for the GOH himself. it was just any other birthday, nothing special. well all i can say is i'm sorry and i hope u have a better time this Sunday.
i have reset my goals back in order. worked it all out. i'm not going to go chase after something i know i can never have and in the process hurt myself. i have a very uncomplicated life right now and thats a whole lot more then a lot of people have right now. in my opinion thats all i need. i have only one regret. maybe if i had waited one week and had this conversation with my dad which i just did a few minutes ago it would have been awesome. but well maybe i am better off. i will however clock the whole thing up as experience. haha god knows i need them. well so now i gotta go to polytechnic. hit my grades. i have to ensure it all works man, lol. i have to get in shape shed those pounds. and then after all that when i know i'm at my best. i will only get the best. that's when i will hold on to what i deserve and never let go... till that day
which wont be anytime soon i'll wait. it's like a good bottle of french wine. the value snowballs through the years
cheerios vicky

well well well

2008-04-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

heya...
alls well i guess if you don't mind the huge messiness and clutter all round my life at the moment. Somehow i cant seem to recall a time when i was ever this close to not knowing what it is actually that's going on around me. it's alien territory to say the least and to my up most horror all my previous escapades aren't much of help to the measure of this particular scenario. how much do i really need to do. my temper is famous over the 7 continents ( i wish) my patience is sparse so how in the world am i going to manage i ask. and it return i got back silence...well not exactly silence( try living in a house with six occupants...silence becomes the forbidden fruit). somehow or rather this particular adventure i have begun is rather different from the others. yes I'm starting polytechnic and its the biggest transition of my life to date but so what i feel that the biggest change that would ever happen to me is yet to happen and when it does you will be the first to know. well i dont know how to put it across to everyone...but it is going to happen i pray it will.

vicky

being 18.......Day 1.....i had to repaste this post coz something happen to it earlier

2008-03-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

I did it. i finally did it. i made it i finally did. i woke up, feeling totally normal. i looked in the mirror and saw nothing different except that little pimple on my cheek. it sure picked some timing. but other then that i looked the same felt the same. but there was something in me some sort of realization that i just passed a bench mark. i just passed it. so what did that mean. oh yea i can hit a few shots of wine and get away with it. i can even drive a car god bless Singaporean roads and drivers when i do. when i look back over the last few years. the past year remains the most memorable.

i was 17 and i had just gotten my 'O' level results. my L1R5 was 11 and my L1R4 8. i had wanted so badly to go to a JC all my four years in secondary school. the thought of it just seemed incredibly prestigious. as the time for the selection of the schools came i realized that wasn't for me. i couldn't work in such an environment. it was just too much for me to handle.but my parents waned it and i wanted them happy. i agreed. and in march in entered Pioneer Junior college.

in secondary school i had never had a guy as a friend. at least not as a close friend. i was a prefect. and i took my job seriously. i was bullied for it had for it cursed for it. but i did what i felt was right and never regretted it. the teachers were happy with me. they praised my moral courage. never a day would u find where Vicky was seen with her shirt out her socks low on he ankle and her tie loose. i was the perfect student. i had friends who studied all the time like me. we had our own fun. we cooled our recess, took turns so our recess menu was always amazing and we didn't give a damn of what others said. but still we maintained our distance with guys. others would have thought we were weird but i knew many envied us. cause to us life was as simple as we made it. we took joy in little things, our lives were filled with books and our joy and pain came from them and each other. while our classmates jumped from one boyfriend to the other we were exchanging notes. and at the end of the day when i went to take my results. i saw all my friends sweating and filled with nerves. but i, i was clam. cause i knew i did all that i could, and if that still wasn't enough i didn't know wad would be.

i shocked myself with an A1 with English, i mean i spoke well and everything. but with English you could never be so sure. my friends and i hugged each other. we were splitting up and though all the other classmates had their boyfriends and girlfriends hugging them when the got their results whether they were good or bad i dunno. i looked back from my closer friends and saw who stood behind us. our parents. and they were beaming. and i thought. it was worth it. all of it. to see that look on their faces. and when we were walking out. so many teachers came up to us and spoke with us. telling us how proud they are that we stuck to who we were and didn't change to fit in. we made it work for ourselves. the feeling was awesome. when i walked out of my secondary school i told myself, the only the school would remember me for was for my public appearances on stage being the EMCEE and being a STUDENT COUNCILOR and BEING THE CHAIRMAN OF THE ELDDS.

i was proud that when my name was spoken i wont be refereed to as oh that guys girlfriend or latest fling or the girl outside the General Office. i left happy and proud and the feeling overshadowed the joy of my grades. cause you could have done fantastically but to me its the impression you made that counts. cause that's what would keep you in memory.

through the first three months i stayed home. i wanted to be able to spend some time home to collect myself. before my mad rush in JC. during that time i did something i still can't believe i did. i wrote my first book. i titled it Mirage. i wrote it. and when i read back certain paragraphs i couldn't believe it was written by me. i surprised myself. then i realized it was written with such fervor because it was what i wanted. the story was of what i wanted in life and what i pictured i would be. i was a dreamer then and still am.

so i walked in to my JC. it was crowded. filled with so many students and there i stood with my secondary school uniform. the orientation was about to begin. i saw how close the students were. and immediately i clocked it up as a front they were putting up. they were acting as though they loved dancing around and singing to some old song but in fact they hated it and this exact moment they would rather be doing something else. and for just a minute i regretted coming to a JC. but i bit my tongue and went through with it. i tried to make friends with some of them in my group. but although they were friendly they just moved away didn't bother to become closer. they answered my questions. and left it. that was when i realized. it wasn't them but me. i was being closed up. because i was so used to it in secondary school then over the march hols before school started proper. i decided i was going to put an end to this. and one thing i did do was change my hair. the way i tied it. i go into the latest trends in school. like the bag the shoe and even the water bottle. it actually felt good, to realize i was doing something to make it work.

then the first day of school started i immediately cliques with Divya, Swetha and Preethi and Meveen. and we had a blast. all us girls we had fun exploring the school and hen it started. the guys eyeing the girls and the girls eyeing the guys. it was interesting at this point in time. cause the guys i started seeing were those immature ones i hates in secondary school. they were grown....oh yea fully grown. some towering me like crazy. but it was interesting to see my friends with their eyes turning over and glazed. then there was this one guy in school who we all thought looked pretty good. and they were all so shy to go up to him and everything. so i did the unimaginable i had overhear what his name was...so i walked up to him stood right in front of him and saw the slight hesitation in his stride...that gave me the strength to do what i did next. before i knew it there were words coming out of my mouth "Hey, i heard about you. Can i have your number?" i asked before stretching out my phone into his hand for him to key it in. he was shocked then he took the phone and keyed his number and told me to give him a miss call. then i smiled at him and walked backed to my friends. i saw their mouths hanging and all i could do was laugh out. i couldn't believe what i just did. but i felt good. it felt great to know i could unnerve that fella. and today he is one of my bestest best friends and his girlfriend whom he was attached to even before JC was my friend too. and this is one moment i wont ever forget. this was my transition.

yesterday i turned 18 and i remembered the past year. it was very eventful. i had my first boyfriend and my own group of friends whom i want to stay with forever. it was my future. so i will leave u here for now and fill you in on more...today on the first day since i turned 18 i thought of this. tomorrow hopefully my mind does more
cheers ppl
Vicky

ira davis skye

2008-03-08T04:23:00.001-08:00

over in the narration i wrote a bit on Jessie Davis, a character in a book i was working on. She to me was someone who lived her teenage days to the best she could in every way she knew. someone who grasped on to life on a stranglehold. not because she was choking herself, but because she wanted to relish in every moment of it. every second. i really liked that about Jessie. she was to me everything Ira wished she had and was but couldn't because Ira still saw life through rose tinted glasses and in many aspects Jessie had stopped years ago.

okay what i came here to write about was about my life in PJC, being in SC. so i was in SC for a period of 3 months before i called it quits. the very next week after i got elected in and after i had been introduced to the masses as someone in the supposed most prestigious CCA in the school. though i to date believe the title would be more suitable for the rugby team. They are awesome i'm not being biased, as the best player is my neighbor and good friend. lol.

yea then on my first meeting i got the role of being a leader for one of the teams that will in the end be part of the investiture where we will be sworn in formally. during the first meeting with my group, i walked in and saw the faces of my members. i saw in everyone of their faces a leader and a resentment that i was indeed standing there leading them and not themselves. it scared me. it was reality sinking in that I'm dealing with people from a totally different level.

then that very week i had to walk into hospital as my knee was again giving me a hell of a problem. i was on MC for better most of two weeks and obviously my team didn't like it. they tolerated it for a while after which they just hated any relation with me and every meeting with them was tight and sparse.

then i started feeling out of place. never attended school regularly after. the pain some mornings was beyond me, especially when it was cold. i hated school and i hated to have anything to do with them .during this time shan wasn't really that close to me yet. kanesh timothy they all had their own lives and my gals preethi, divya and meveen did their best i guest. but i couldn't do it. i couldn't face school, cause i didn't know the answers to anything, i couldn't face the SC cause i knew i contributed to nothing. it sucked cause 17 and 18 years were my shining years. and here i was caught with a damn injury barely able to walk and getting scrutinized for something i didn't ask for. i could see it in their looks they were just waiting for me to say or do something so that they could lay all the mistakes and all blames on me. and i was guilty enough to just let them .

only then did realize that this was a different kind of bullying . Shan noticed my probs finally and i told him how much i could. but i didn't open myself fully i closed myself up. that was when i met Sanjay. He was so nice. he listened and he was a couple of years older. he was everything i needed.

ok till next time
cheers
vicky

it's 1 month and 3 days .....since i turned 18

2008-03-07T23:48:00.000-08:00

okay here's the deal i couldn't think of a better title. give me a break already. i started this 18th trend thing to help me personally admit i am starting to become and resemble an old hag. Some may say nonsense, but i certainly do notice the difference between a radiant 16 year old and an 18 year old. Okay so I'm vain. WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT I'M A GAL I'M ENTITLED. So a lot has happened and even though i am 24/7 on the computer, except those two faithful days last week i was out shopping, i haven't managed to post an entry. so now I'm here and now I'm going to bore your life even more by filling u in on all the little perky details of mine. Enjoy, if you're here reading it. you asked for it. YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED.

i have finished watching the top ten on my movies to watch list. i have used to date since i started a fortnight ago 3 boxes of tissues. yes i know, me and romantic comedies are a danger to the rain forest. so the faster Polytechnic starts the better for the Universe, do we all agree???
the current love of my life is off course the one and only Gerard Butler. well i can lie and say i preferred him in 300 then to P.S i love you, but my ridiculously transparent facial expressions will give myself away. yes he had wonderful ads and an amazing hot sweaty bronzed body in 300 that had my tongue rolling(i admit it, any girl out there who says different is a liar, no doubt about it). i did almost convince myself i wouldn't mind a man with a thick beard if he had a body like that. i certainly did convince myself that i would prefer his yells and screams of freedoms that seem oh so manly and hot to sweet whispers in my ears. but then i was seduced by him dying in P.S i love You. the sad part is not that he is dead, but that he takes on the role where we constantly curse him and whoever wrote the tale for killing him. Let the poor man rest in peace i say . but then i too am guilty of wishing him alive and resent that such a nice man has to die of such a horrible disease. well no matter what the critics say i can't seem too get the story out of my head and i admit thinking of it now even gets me a little upset.

last week Wednesday and Thursday i went SHOPPING. it was awesome i bought a pair of heels which is so high i bet if i wear it I'll tower my dad and i bought two blouses on the wed and realized the size was wrong thats why i went out on thurs to get it changed and go myself two more blouses. which was pretty entertaining i must say when your shopping partner is the world renowned SHEILA AKKA. she pitty patted all round JOHN LITTLE admiring everything ohhh ahh ing and everything but tried and bought nothing. and that is what so great about her. she is a awesome person to shop with so next time any of you need to go splurge you know who to call yea.

i watched leap years too. a Singapore based and produced movie. it was refreshing to the self depreciating comedies you often see and was in fact kind of romantic. i loved it more than i would have guessed and that i guess is a sign to me that i am indeed becoming mushy and have to pull my socks back up before someone pulls the rug from under me.

i got my package for polytechnic yesterday i have to go for a medical examination over next week. the first person i called when i got it. i called waree and asked her o pray to the lord with me that there would be no bloodthirsty count dracula's dressed in white with pointy things in their hands rather then jaw trying to get a tube or more of blood out of me. we're still praying.

over on Wednesday actually me and my mum we were all alone dad was out sis was sleeping and me and my mum finished an ice-cream tub talking nonsense laughing like crazy hyenas and well watching American idol. we had a blast after which we saw another program and we just laughed a lot. i can't remember a thing we said. but all i remember is we had an awesome time. and these are the nights i treasure more then outings and money spending.

at the moment i have reached i writer's block here. i will get back soon and fill in what exactly i need to say lol....
ok then cheerios and till my next entry muax

moviesmoviesmoviesmovies

2008-02-13T23:18:00.000-08:00

ok ok i'm an emotional wreck esspecially when it comes to movies and the romantic one really does it for me...Nicholas Sparks is GOD. there are to what i know the best novels to be made into movies...namely a walk to remember, the notebook and message in a bottle. for all three i cried so hard my eyes were blur for the rest of the day. it's amazing wad a great book and movie can do the heart.
here are the movies i told myself i need to see or will see again by the end of this year
1) a walk to remember
2)Love actually
3) The Notebook
4)Message in a bottle
5)City of angels
6)Notting hill
7) Pretty woman
8)Casablanca
9)Gone with the Wind
10)Love Story
11)Moon Struck
12)Ghost
13)When Harry met Sally
14)My fair lady
15)Somewhere in time
16)Return to me
17)Regarding Henry
18)Untamed heart
19)You've got mail
20)Ever after
21)What dreams may come
22)Bed of roses
23)Sleepless in Seattle
24)Fools rush in
25)Moulin rogue
26)Only you
27)Like water for chocolate
28)Sweet november
29)Bed of roses
30)Kate and Leopold

being 18 ......day 7

2008-02-11T00:51:00.000-08:00

well yesterday night i spent half of it on the phone with nick. i couldn't sleep, i smsed him and that poor thing called me and kept me awake. we talked about crap stuff and finally i let the poor thing sleep at 3 plus. we made a pack to go to the gym and work out. i told him he can hit the gym i will hit the pool. haha prefer getting wet and submerged does wonders for the asthma.

so today morning despite the late night i made an early morning. i woke up at 9.30. oi that's early ok considering 3 am . well then i showered got myself dressed and walked down to grams over the next block. she was in the loo. the maid was there. i had a cooking class(appointment) with my gram's maid...she makes totally awesome and sinful chicken curry, i learned i took notes and by 12.30 noon i was at my place already on the computer. contemplating whether to write on my blog just as yet. i decided against it and went on upstairs to my room where i could read the latest book i picked up. Sandra brown is god. haha

so yesterday me and jin were like cheap labor lah..lol to dad. he needed someone to help him polish the car we volunteered thinking it would be fun. little did we know we would end up polishing the tire rim. the handiwork was so tiny and it took me 20 minutes to finish one tire well in the end it did shine so i guess good job vicky!!!

i asked my mum on sat so how is i to have a 18 year old daughter. has it sunk in that i'm 18 cause personally for me it hasn't and she was like I'm just taking it as if you were 13 and 14 . just another year I'm trying not to look at the interpretation. that was real touching. well i will ry my best to stay out of trouble. but sometimes i want to get into them i want to feel the heat. i dont want to be shield so much and they understand that and i am ever so grateful.

so i decided to join SC we had to go through a run of interviews and i did. it was real fun actually. i had to go to this room on the 4th floor and wait outside. the candidates for election were selected from this little room so i knew it had to be more then just a set of questions. i entered the room. in front of me i saw two chairs. i went straight in a sat on the one on my right. which was in fact a cushioned one. the other was a normal chair. after sitting on it did i realized that i was being tested and if i didn't move i would suffer gravely. i stood up said my apologies and sat on the other one. they questioned my move and i said it didn't seem right for me to be sitting on this cushioned chair when you both were sitting on normal ones. and i my interview kicked off. i could tell from the looks on their faces that i had already scored points with then so the others were a breeze.

then student council election came in full force. it was so much fun going around giving speeches and trying to pull he crowd in to get them to vote for you. the briberies were also interesting i gave them sweets and chocolates and it was fun actually.me and Shan got real close then he was the bestest buddy anyone could ask to be with when the going got tough.

then came the day of announcements whether i made it or not. i knew i did and i was sohappy shan made it too we were like we are going to do ourselves proud. almost immediately came the days of which our investiture planning was to begin. and so did a lot of crap.

will fill you in later
cheers
vicky

being 18....day 5

2008-02-08T05:24:00.000-08:00

okay so i'm back from my swim and i admit it this whole blog thing is super new and super addictive or at least it will be for a while. i really like the idea of writing and having people to read my writing. like i said over last year i had wrote a book that was in my mind and had written it with such care and soul. a lot of me is in my book and i am looking for a time where i would be able to publish it and sell it to people. not for the money but to have people read my tale.

okay well i left off with the entry of which i spelled out how different i had been in secondary school and how interesting the transition was. when i went to junior college my character was already pretty much fix. i knew myself and accepted myself pretty well. it was an advantage to understand what you are because only then can you really move forward. Swetha was a friend to me since i was in secondary school and when we went to junior college we just became all the more closer. very close in fact and she was a person who needed other people. she needed attention not in a bad way but her personality is as such that at every moment she feels as if she needs to impress people. to be on top of them. many times i have spoken to her and told her that it wasn't necessary to do that. but it was only after a while did i realize that it was how she was made and she couldn't change herself. so i started doing to her what i did to myself i accepted her and started suiting myself to her personality in her presence it paid of well and we get along fabulously now.

then the second friend i met there was Timothy haha that was whom we got the number from. the other friends whom i met were Shan. haha his meeting was pretty interesting and it was me meeting him that changed a lot. in a way his friendship opened many doors for me. i talked Preethi and Meveen and Divya into joining the drama club in our school because we felt that everything seemed like heaven compared to TLS so we ended up joining drama. but that was only for a week.

the following week i was sitting down in the concourse near the cafe and waiting for the rest of the girls to turn up. then all of a sudden i saw swetha walking towards me with shan following her behind. i didn't know who shan was then, he was just some guy in school and i didnt have much to do with guys and so i was just a teeny bit weary.

swetha had asked shan to come along so as to help her with the debates the interclass ones and it was real wad do i say weird for us all but we adapted i put on a front and spoke with him as though i knew him way long ago. and we cliqued. swetha and shan had met first when they at the debates. it was an education to see swetha clique so well with a guy.

being friends with shan was no hardship he was real fun. on that day itself he made it clear that he was attached. lol probably to avoid any future trouble. then shan saw kanesh walk pass. he called out to kanesh and kanesh came to sit with us as well. divya came then and seeing he crowd she got weary. she was quite and careful to approach the us but she did and she sat close to me and asked me what in the world is going on i replied her a friend making session was.

shan spoke of the student council and it struck me what in the world was i going to do with drama. i mean no offense. but i needed something that would stand out in my testimonial. and i knew i could be convincing when i want to so i took up the idea and me and divya discussed it and picked up an application form for SC before we left school. that was our first encounter with the guys. today shan and kanesh and divya are all my bestest best friends in the world. and it all started on that faithful day at the concourse while we were waiting for each other. thanks to swetha.

cheers
vicky

being 18.... day 4

2008-02-07T21:51:00.000-08:00

today is Friday day 4 if i'm not wrong since i turned 18. and i think i'm getting a hang of it. basically i have to act as if nothing has changed but secretly know within myself that everything has changed. well that's my little secret. i suddenly had a little realization that if i were to walk into 7 eleven and grab myself a beer i could walk out (after purchasing it off course) and not be questioned or detained. it was a powerful realization but at the same time i made a promise not to take advantage of this new found power i seem to whole. i shall tame myself till the right day and hour before i totally fully let loose.

haha well I do find myself remotely awaiting that day. im not a creature of simplicity and ordinary. i don't fancy seeing myself flowing into the norm of life and accepting it as fate. i believe in challenging fate and making myself heard. i don't remember myself having much of a problem with that through secondary school. i was what you may call self contained and ready to accept that i belonged in the background when i was in Junior College. it didn't sit too well with me i liked making myself heard. in primary school i made it my personal occupation unpaid off course to report to my teacher respectively about my opinion in which the class was heading and in secondary school i took to a higher level. if i didn't like the way i functioned i spoke it straight to your face whether you like it or not. when i became a senior in secondary school which meant secondary 3 and 4 i stopped even that. i began realizing that the world is a place filled with horrible ppl as often as nice people. but its the horrible ones that leave the most impact. because the more open you were to share your opinion the more openly they would tell me to my face they disagreed. they were very explicit in voicing their opinion. in other words they bullied. and when i spoke of my problems to my trusted teachers they blundered in handling the situation which led to yet more bullying. the bullying had gotten worst. they had started calling me names and one even emptied my bag in the middle of class. the teacher tried to get him back to his seat. they over turned my table. made me exsisting in the class almost impossible. all that because i reported their wrong doings to my teacher and my teacher accidentally blurted out my name to them while confronting. i became a victim of the worst kind of bullying. the psychological kind.

i hated myself i hated school i hated everyone. then i became a secondary 3 student. during th hols i made a promise to myself. i wont ever ever interfere in anything. if anyone did anything wrong in front of me i will act as if i didn't see it. i will act as if i was even cool with it. and i did just that. it became only me and my friends i went low key, i stopped playing an active role in student council. due to the bullying my grades had suffered my fault entirely and i paid the price by being placed in the worst class in the express stream. today i can say hats down that i was the best class any one can ask for. Secondary 3E1 and 4E1 from the year 2005 to 2006 with my form teacher Mr Raj was the bes medicine for someone who was recovering. someone like me. everyday was a joy, the class boys were so funny all the time. all my other classmates from the class before were now in the better classes. they bullied and studied. someone should include these in their resume. may get them noticed.

in my new class i concentrated on nothing but having fun and getting my grades up. and i did for my secondary 3 i was 3rd in class a long way from the second last i got when i was in secondary 2. it was nice to be respected for your grades and nothing else. i started taking care of myself too. grew my hair. lost weight. started taking myself seriously and living my life fore myself rather then the others, my vice principal who used to like me a lot started seeing the changes and didn't like what she saw. she started aiming looks at me that surprisingly didn't leave me in a puddle on blood. he surprising thing was it didn't bother me one single bit. i was starting to enjoy school some of my classmates were weary of me because of what they had heard from their friends who were once my classmates. i just ignored him and put up a front. which i grew very very good at doing.

the only few people who can read into me is my sis and my mum and dad i can fool anyone else. and i did. i was diligent if i should say so myself. and i did every piece of homework. started helping my classmates with their work and they started seeing me in a different light i was someone they had started to depend on. i stayed away from as much class politics as possible. i made sure i didn't have a black mark but i ignored all that they did. it was my life and i had it under control i stopped living it for other but for me and its about time i was appreciated.

that i certainly was. it was an education actually because one of the main culprits of my bullying in secondary 2 was made to sit beside me. he gave me hard time at first. then after we cliqued. even when he gave me stares and rude remarks or uttered vulgarities under his breath i would smile and give him a pat on his head. it was real interesting watching him change not entirely but he started tolerating me and i though i hated him in the beginning and put up a front. after that i started liking him not in a funny way. but my smile were more genuine and i started seeing under the bully exterior. and i pitied him.

coz after it all when i wen back home i had my family waiting for me who helped me thru everything. but him he went back home to money and wealth but other then that him home was empty. to him wherever he is i wish you happiness and hopefully someday you will stop putting up a front because only then buddy would you truly enjoy yourself.

i was like that with my family and small group of friends i could do the wierdest things with them and get away with it. there are not many people someone can just relax with. my friends were like that and i thank them for that, because if it wasn't for them i would never have been able to
pull myself back no matter how close i was to my family i did spend 3/4 of my day in school. they played a huge part. this thanks goes out to Kumareswari, Kaithri, Devannai, Banumathi, Swetha, Priya. without you i have no idea what kind of person i would have turned out to be.